i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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