Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
