i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
