the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
