i jhust puked up my retainher.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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