I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
