Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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