I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Sober January is a disaster.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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