He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
