I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
