I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
