I met the friendliest cop last night
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
