I met the friendliest cop last night
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize