.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
