Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
