I love how my cats smell like pot.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize