Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
