I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My vagina is very pro this idea
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
