I was born with a shot glass in my hand
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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