I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
