she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
