woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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