i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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