why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
