I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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