Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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