Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
ugly people sure do ruin things
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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