I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
