Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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