his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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