Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
did i just pee glitter
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
