i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
