you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize