If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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