believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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