Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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