Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
