Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
