Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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