Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
