I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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