You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
