Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You ate ashes out of my bong
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
