I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
