I accidentally had phone sex last night
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
