I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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