And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
