There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
