Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
sarcasm needs its own font
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize