Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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