I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
