I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
