Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
