Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
