How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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