took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
