i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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