so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
