I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
