Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I pour the whiskey from now on
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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