my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
