maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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