dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
