you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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