the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize