He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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