I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
