mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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