TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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