i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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